


I'm Afraid of You Because I Can't Be Left Behind

by Ghem



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Abuse, M/M, Past Male Hawke/Fenris, Past Rape/Non-con, Warrior Hawke (Dragon Age), hawke is bad in this fic sorry, like really bad :V, more tags to be added as I go along
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-07
Updated: 2019-03-10
Packaged: 2019-11-13 05:04:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18025223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghem/pseuds/Ghem
Summary: Fenris confides in Hawke after they face Hadriana, but soon finds out Hawke's true intentions. Fenris then seeks comfort in the least likely of people. Slowburn Fenders fic, inspired by the fic 'You Owe Me' by HarveyDangerfield.





	1. Bitter Pills

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry if the formatting is weird, not really sure how to do it lol. Not proof-read! Title is a reference to the song 'Regret' by St. Vincent  
> Non-con in first chapter, you've been warned. Will be referenced in later chapters but not graphic.

He wanted to let her go. He wanted to let the vile bitch go, have her run to Danarius with her tail between her legs. Fenris knew he couldn't though, years of torment wouldn't let him rest until the woman was dead. Now he paced on Hawke's floor of his mansion, berating himself for letting his anger get the best of him again. Hawke made his way into view, stepping past the doors and toward Fenris. He didn't seem even slightly surprised to see the elf waiting there for him. The man seems to always know when Fenris needed to speak his mind. Fenris was glad for that, he really owed Hawke an apology for the outburst in the caverns. He couldn't even manage a greeting before launching into an apology. 

"I've been thinking about what happened with Hadriana. I took my anger out on you, undeservedly so. I was not myself, I'm sorry." Fenris said as he closed the distance between him and the other man.  
Fenris was tall for an elf, but Hawke towered over nearly everyone. He had a confidence that made him feel even taller, an air about him that made Fenris feel so small sometimes in his presences. 

"Fenris I don't want an apology. I don't even need an explanation, I would've killed the bitch myself if you didn't. We know how mages are." Hawke said, waving his hand to dismiss any arguments on Fenris' tongue (which there were none) then placing the hand firmly on Fenris' shoulder. 

"You're stressed, that's what I'm worried about. I'm sure you don't want to actually talk about this. Wouldn't you rather have your mind off it?" Hawke asked Fenris, his other hand making a way to Fenris' other shoulder.  
They rubbed the elf, probably meant to be comforting. Fenris didn't really feel it that way, however. 

"Yes, but..." Fenris felt confused, Hawke encouraged him talking about his issues most of the time, why cut him off when he was actually opening up?  
Fenris reminded himself that Hawke probably didn't need to know, nor want to. The man has done so much for him, why burden him with issues not his own? Suddenly Fenris felt himself being ushered toward Hawke's room. 

"You're too tense, always on edge. Look at your posture even! You know I've been told I'm pretty good at massages." Hawke grinned and Fenris felt even more confused than before. 

"I don't need a massage Hawke, I-- Hawke really," Fenris stuttered over his words as Hawke closes his bedroom door behind him and suddenly the larger man had his hands on Fenris' back.  
Fenris suddenly stood straight and upright. His eyes wide as color flushed his cheeks. "Fasta vaas! I appreciate your assistance but--" He was cut off as he felt pressed against the wall. 

What was Hawke's issue? He opened his mouth to question the man when he heard Hawke's voice drown him out.  
"You owe me." He turns Fenris to face him, the elf's back against the wall. "You just need to relax Fenris, I'm trying to help you. You owe me after all that I've done for you. You haven't exactly been a pleasure to work with, you know." His voice felt heavy like it was weighing Fenris down. 

The elf knew he was troublesome sometimes, but Hawke always seems so happy to help. Fenris felt embarrassed, his ears arching back. Well if Hawke didn't want to help him, then Fenris wouldn't burden him any longer.  
"Fine, then I'll leave. Let me go." Fenris says as calmly as he can, while still trying to be intimidating. 

Fenris tried to push Hawke back, but the man didn't budge. Instead, Fenris found his arms pulled from Hawke's chest and pinned against the wall.  
"I said you owe me! You don't just get to leave! Why do you always fight when people try to do something good for you? I don't want you to go Fenris, I just want you to enjoy yourself." Hawke presses closer and Fenris felt the unmistakable pressure of Hawke's growing erection against him. 

If the elf didn't feel humiliated before, he did now. 

"No, no, Hawke," Fenris' voice felt so small, useless. 

When Hawke's head craned to kiss at the elf's neck he began to struggle, this suddenly felt that much more serious.  
"Hawke! Hawke that's enough!" The elf's voice raised and he began to kick his foot against the wall, against Hawke's legs. 

Hawke pulled Fenris toward him before slamming him back against the wall, irritated at the other man's kicking. Fenris gasped as his head hit the wall, causing him to shout and fight harder. The commotion caught the attention of Bohdan, the dwarf opening the door good-naturedly. 

"Master Hawke? Is there-- Oh!" Bodhan caught the sight of the two men, confused if they were supposed to be in the middle of foreplay or fighting. 

"Close the damned door!" Hawke shouted that made the dwarf quickly shut it and dart away. 

Fenris hoped the dwarven man would do more to help, but he was working for Hawke, what was Bodhan to do anyway? Fenris kicked the wall again, hoping to attract more attention, maybe Leandra would come up and say something, or maybe someone else was stopping by. Fenris was cut off by Hawke pulling at his leggings. Fenris thrashed, he was strong, but Hawke was stronger. Hawke was a warrior, a brute, and Fenris was already drained from today's events. Hawke was kissing at Fenris' neck again, his tongue running along a lyrium line. 

Fenris thought that he could easily plunge his fist into Hawke's chest, pull out the bastard's heart. But Hawke did help him, plenty of times, and his friends. Would his friends understand? Would they care? Did they only tolerate him because of Hawke? None went out of their way to visit him except Hawke. Hawke was always there for him, Fenris even thought he might...have feelings for the man. He didn't know what to do now. 

Fenris found himself being divested of his armor, and he hardly fought. Hawke dragged Fenris toward the bed, the elf stumbling and trying to make a weak attempt at getting away. He was dropped against the bed, Hawke's weight keeping him still. The human reached into his nightstand, retrieving a bottle of oil. Small mercies, Fenris thought. Hawke claimed Fenris' lips as he tried to work the cork of the bottle. Fenris' first kiss as a free man, claimed this way, he felt even heavier. 

Fenris gasped loudly, his head leaning back as he felt one of Hawke's thick fingers pressing on his entrance. Things felt fuzzy as Hawke continued. Two fingers, three fingers, scissoring and working him open. He wondered if he should be grateful that Hawke cared for that much at least, it was more than he had been offered in the past. Fenris was broken out of his haze for only a moment as he felt a hand around his own cock, Hawke trying to coax it to hardness. The elf mumbles curses in Tevene as shivers of pleasure shot through him. 

Fenris gripped at the bed sheets when he felt Hawke remove his fingers only to replace them with his cock. Fenris could hear Hawke whispering for Fenris to relax, that he was "doing so good" as if Fenris at all wanted this. He supposed he did want this with Hawke, but not at all like this. He couldn't think about his ruined fantasies now as he felt Hawke pushing in and out of him. The elf hiccuped on moans, trying his hardest to not cry. He tried to be as emotionless as possible, tried to think of anywhere else. All he could think about was how heavy Hawke felt against him, how much it hurt as the man took him. The Maker offered him another small mercy, Hawke didn't last very long. Hawke filled the elf with his seed as he panted like a mabari, before nearly collapsing on Fenris. 

Fenris felt Hawke tugging at his wilting erection, the elf's eyes squeezing shut as he tried but failed to keep from cumming onto his own chest. Disgusting. Hawke, however, seem more than pleased. He rolled off of Fenris and onto his side.  
"See? I told you that you'd enjoy it." He said sleepily, burying his face into his pillow. 

Fenris wondered if Hawke even thought he did anything wrong. He never seems to think he was ever in the wrong. Fenris laid in silence, his ass burned, as did his head. Perhaps he hit his head harder than he thought. Fenris waited at least half an hour before crawling out of bed. He dressed, unable to really think. 

All he could think of was he needed to stop hurting, and he knew one healer. As much as he disliked this said healer, he would stop the pain, and Fenris could go home to drink himself to sleep. That sounded like a good plan, he thought to himself as he sneaks out of Hawke's room. He caught Bodhan's sympathetic gaze as he slipped out of the manor. 

It did nothing to make him feel better.


	2. Healing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anders tries to be the best healer he can be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just another quick chapter before I fall asleep. Will try to update this at least weekly afterward if this fic is well received

Anders was putting out the lantern outside the clinic, the day was just about over. Lirene had ushered any remaining patients out and wished Anders an early goodnight. The mage waved her goodbye, but his night was far from over. He had plenty of writing to get to. Justice wasn't going to let him rest until he finished this chapter of his manifesto. 

Anders went to lock the door when it was suddenly opened, knocking the mage down onto his ass. "Hey! The clinic is closed, lantern out means emergencies..only..." The mage's voice grew quiet as he looked up at Fenris, who stood in the doorway. The elf normally glared, snarled, or didn't look at him at all when they saw each other. Yet here the elf stood, his emerald eyes full of hurt. Fenris didn't look to banged up to Anders but the healer made a quick note of his mussed hair, the hem of his leggings torn, and the abnormal breathing from the elf. 

"Did you...fall down your stairs? What happened? Is this about the slavers from earlier--" He was cut off by Fenris barging his way into the clinic, heading straight for his storage of healing potions. "Hey! You can't just take them! Tell me what's wrong, Fenris!" Anders quickly followed behind him. Fenris turned to look at Anders, a gaze that made the mage freeze and glance around awkwardly. 

"My head. I hit my head." Fenris says through his teeth "My body is sore also. I won't be able to sleep unless the pain is gone." Anders clears his throat and steps to stand in front of his potions, stopping Fenris from grabbing them. 

"Can you tell me how bad it is? It's the end of the day, I don't mind spending a bit of mana on healing it. It'd be faster." Fenris was quiet, looking down at his feet. Anders desperately wished Fenris would be yelling at him, to be as bitey as ever. He seems to despondent, Anders wasn't used to that from the elf. "What? No diatribe about magic being the source of all evil in the world?" He says with an uncomfortable chuckle. 

"Magic didn't do this," Fenris said after a long pause "I was too trusting." Fenris' shoulders shook and he quickly turned from Anders, heading to the door. 

"Wait, wait, wait! Fenris!" Anders quickly ran to Fenris' side. "Sit down, you hardly look like you can walk out the clinic let alone back to Hightown." The elf shook his head, his breathing uneven again. 

"No. No, I probably can't walk back to Hightown now. He might be awake now. It's too close." Anders tried to think of who Fenris could be talking about, who hurt him? Fenris could take down hundreds of thugs, was it another slaver? 

"Danarius?" Anders says in a whisper, worried the name might set Fenris off. Fenris instead just shook his head. "Well, let me at least heal you and then we can figure out where you can go from there, okay?" Anders held out his hand to Fenris. The elf stares at the mage's hand but didn't take it. He simply sat on a cot and crossed his arms. "I'll take that as a yes," Anders says as he walks over. 

Fenris did seem to relax when healing magic washed over him, the pain eased but he could still feel strong hands on him, it made him sick. "I still need a healing potion. I'm still sick." Fenris says as Anders moved to give Fenris room. 

"You're sick too? I didn't detect anything--" 

"I still feel him, I still feel him holding me. I'm gonna vomit, mage, bring me a basket." Anders followed that order well, grabbing the nearest wastebasket to hold to the elf. 

Fenris puked into the bin. When the elf lifted his head, he saw Anders' sympathetic gaze. Great. "Fenris, who?" Anders was careful to not get too close. The last thing he wanted was for Fenris to plunge his fist in Anders' chest when he was just trying to help. When Fenris didn't meet Anders' eyes, the healer knew. Who else was in Hightown and wouldn't be immediately murdered by Fenris in such a situation? 

"Hawke." As soon as Anders had said the name, Fenris dropped the basket and stood. 

"Don't. Don't say anything." Fenris said demandingly. 

"Why? He hurt you! Andraste's flaming ass, I should rip him a new one!" Anders said as he began to pace. 

"How did you know? He is your friend...I didn't even expect you to believe--" Fenris was cut off by Anders

"He's an asshole. You just overlooked it because he isn't a mage. I put up with him because he has this whole city in his pocket." 

"Now you blame me." Fenris lowers his head, a growl in his voice. 

"What? No. That's not...That's not what I meant. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. I never thought he would hurt you, or anyone to that degree I suppose. Do you want me to walk you home?" 

"No." 

"Well, tell me what you want then? You can stay here if you'd like. He won't look for you here if that's what you're afraid of." 

Fenris felt as if Anders' had read his mind. "Please, if it isn't too much trouble." The elf's ears drooped. 

"Fenris it isn't trouble at all, come to the back. I'll make the bed for you. I'm sure you'd like to be alone. I have a tub too if you'd like to wash off." Fenris nodded at that. 

Anders led Fenris to the back, filling the tub with water, then leaving the elf to clean himself. Anders sat at his desk, unable to focus on his manifesto now. Justice at least understood. Anders had always known Hawke was an asshole, he supported templars but helped Anders only because his sister was a mage. What a hypocrite. But to hurt Fenris was completely unexpected to Anders. The two seem so close, they were sweet on each other. He didn't like either of them very much, but he didn't want to see them hurt. Not like that. 

Fenris sat in the tub, his mind swimming. Fenris thought Hawke was the one good thing about Kirkwall. The man had sense, saw mages for what they were. Anders is a mage, he treated you kinder than Hawke has. Fenris shook his head, trying to drown the thought out. All people can be heinous, not just mages, he tried to rationalize. But that's what Anders has been trying to tell him as well, everyone can be evil, everyone can be good. Fenris closes his eyes, not wanting to think anymore about how he misplaced his trust once again. 

Once he was done with his bath, he dried himself. He found a pair of soft and comfortable pants that Anders had left out for the elf. His leggings were ruined anyhow. Fenris put the pants on, then his tunic. 

"Take my bed. I'll just sleep out here." Anders said through the door. Fenris blinks, confused at Anders' suggestion. 

"No, this is your clinic. I will sleep out there." 

"Hawke won't look in the back if he comes in here in the morning. Just for tonight, okay?" 

Fenris opened his mouth to argue, but he was worried about what Hawke would do if he saw Fenris here. He'd know Fenris told someone. The elf climbs into the bed, it wasn't as comfortable as the one he had in 'his' mansion but it was fine. He was just staying here until tonight. Until he could figure out where to go next. Out of Kirkwall perhaps. There was nothing for him here anyways.

As he drifted asleep, he thought about Anders. He could smell the mage on the pillow, he smelled comforting.


	3. Anybody But You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anders and Fenris do some talking. Hawke makes an appearance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter? It hasn't even been a week yet! But those comments sure do boost my drive to write and if I feel the need to write I should waste it, right? A fairly short and easier chapter.

Anders woke to the sounds of bare feet sneaking in the back of his clinic.  
Originally startling the mage, he was reminded of the guest he had invited to stay the night. It wasn't morning yet, he hadn't even been asleep for very long it seems. Anders peeked around the corner to see Fenris standing at his desk, the manifesto in hand. He was silent as he watched the elf turn the book's pages slowly. He looked to be having a staring contest with the book rather than reading it. Fenris turn suddenly to look at Anders, the elf's eyes almost glowed at night. Anders quickly straightened and swallows a breath in his throat as the elf stared him down. 

"This is your manifesto, yes?" Fenris asked. 

Anders nodded in response. "Were you...reading it?" Anders questioned cautiously, he never pictured the elf reading his work. He figured Fenris would burn it or rip it to shreds if given the chance. Which, right now, he has a perfect opportunity to. 

"No. I was just curious about it. Hawke found pages of it in his manor. He burned them." 

"Yeah I, uh, I don't know why I thought that was a good idea." Anders mumbles, rubbing the back of his neck. 

"He said it defended mages, that it says we can trust them. Hawke says he trusts no mage." Fenris looks over the book again. 

"Well maybe you should read it. Hawke has no idea what he's talking about. I mean, his own sister is a mage, and he sticks his neck out for her despite her being a mage." 

"I can't." 

"You're allowed to form your own opinions, Fenris." Anders crosses his arms as he responds. 

"I know that, mage! Never mind!" He drops the manifesto back on the desk. 

"I didn't mean to upset you!" Anders follows behind the elf as he stalks back toward the clinic. 

"You didn't! I.." Fenris pauses and rubs at the back of his head. "I'm just thinking about Hawke." 

"Do you want to talk about it?" 

"No. I was just thinking about what he said...about trusting mages. He told me none can be trusted, and I believed that. I trusted him so easily because he wasn't a mage. See where that got me?" 

"It wasn't your fault, Fenris." He steps closer. 

Fenris stared into those warm brown eyes before shaking his head and walking past Anders, back to the mage's bed. "I'm going back to sleep if the option is still there." 

"Of course. When you're ready to talk...you just let me know." Anders sighs as the elf said nothing else, resigning himself back to the cot he had slept in earlier. 

Sleep did not come back to him as easily this time. The mage felt his eyes had just closed when he was awoken by the sound banging on his clinic door. Of course. He never got rest. So Anders went to working in the clinic all morning, no sign of Fenris. Upon checking his room the elf was buried under the covers of the bed. If he didn't want to get up, Anders wouldn't make him. Maker knows he needs time. Anders was taken out of his thoughts, startled as he saw a large figure at the door of his clinic. Over six feet, massive muscles. Black hair and beard to match, the red stripe on the bridge of his nose. Hawke. 

"Anders." 

"Hawke, what brings you to the clinic? Healing?" 

"No, actually, have you seen Fenris?" He had the gall to sound concerned for the elf. Anders wanted to blast him with force magic right back out to Darktown. 

"Have _I_ seen Fenris? No. He only comes in here for healing when you accompany him. You know how he feels about me." Lying typically came easy to Anders, he was an escape artist before the clinic and wardens after all. Though Justice usually kept him from lying, the spirit must've seen this as justifiable. 

"Yeah, yeah. I've looked in his mansion, the Hanged Man, the alienage, nothing. I just figured I'd check. Never know, right?" Hawke stared Anders down. That man always had a way of sending shivers down Anders' spine, he tried his hardest to not let his blank expression break. He's good at lying, but he wasn't the best at holding a wicked grace face. 

"Well if I see him, I'll let him know you came by?" The mage asked with a shrug. "Yeah, that should be fine. He'll come back anyway, not like he's got anywhere else to go." Hawke waves his hand, turning out of the clinic without another word. Anders let out a heavy breath and hangs his head. 

He sees Fenris step into view out the corner of his eye. "Thank you. You didn't have to lie for me, but I appreciate it." The elf says as walks over. 

"Not like I really have an issue lying to Hawke. It's not like I like him very much." 

"You don't like me either, but you still help me." 

"I don't...dislike you, Fenris. I just you didn't argue with me so often." Anders looked up at Fenris from where he sat. The elf had gorgeous eyes, he thought. So intense but captivating. It was hard to not stare at them, or those tattoos. 

"You're not exactly easy to have a conversation with either, you know." The elf smirked, and that made Anders laugh. 

"Look, let's change the topic before we go argue again. What are your plans for now?" 

Fenris hums in thought, "I hadn't really thought about it. I can go back to Hightown. Pretend none of this ever happened." 

"But it did." Anders' voice became serious as he stood up. "Fenris, if you want me to confront him, I can." 

"No." Fenris shook his head, growing quiet. "He's the leader, everyone believes and follows him. I'm not gonna put you in his way. He'll just tear you apart. I don't want that, mage. Despite what you think, I don't dislike you either." 

Anders felt his heartache for Fenris, and burn with anger at Hawke. "I won't say anything until you want me to, Fenris. You can go back to Hightown, I won't stop you. But you can also stay here." 

"I couldn't intrude on your space," 

"You're not. If you feel like you are, then you can always try helping out. Another set of hands would be great. Welcomed even." 

Fenris seem to debate the idea internally, shifting his weight on his feet. "Alright. I'll help, but I'm still going back to Hightown at night. I can't hide from Hawke. Not forever." 

"I suppose so." Anders says with a slight frown. 

"But I want to come help in the clinic during the day. It'd give me a reason to be at a distance from him. I'll just say I lost in a game of Wicked Grace to you, and that I was too low on coin so I'm paying it back this way." 

Anders laughed at that and nodded. "Works fine for me, if that's what you're comfortable with." 

"He won't believe me otherwise anyways." The two nod to each other. 

"And what will you be doing today then?" Anders asked. 

"If it's alright with you, I'd like to stay in the back today. Some of Hawke's other companions may come by and I rather not see anybody right now. But you." 

"But me?" Anders looked surprised at that, just the fact Fenris had stated it made him feel fuzzy. 

"If the offer stands." Ignoring Ander's question.

"Of course, Fenris. I'll be taking care of patients, feel free to the wash bin and my bed. I trust you won't make a mess of anything." The elf nods and walks to the back. 

Anders blinked as he watched Fenris walk away, turning back to the clinic. This would be fine. He could do this. So long as Hawke stayed away, Anders felt he could keep his composure.


End file.
